that particular date of that particular month

Unfortunately, the clock is ticking, the hours are going by. The past increases, the future recedes. Possibilities decreasing, regrets mounting.
– Haruki Murakami

we’re gonna be entering the second half year soon and i still have no fucking idea about what next step i should make. it’s like my prefrontal cortex suddenly loses its function and i can’t even fucking plan or think of anything, let alone deciding something. i’ve been avoiding anything until recently that i started thinking that i could not continue living my life like this. at some point i need to take action, but the essential question is, to what direction?

i realise that just because it’s my own life, doesn’t mean i could hold a status quo for as long as i wish. there are other lives (and so many other things) to be taken into consideration, and i am too scared of ruining everything. what if the steps i take will bring me to a dead end or worse a wrong end? though ironically i am not even fucking certain what kind of end i’d like to come to. for god sake how can a human being be this fucking clueless. hear that every tick-tock of the clock on the wall? yes it’s going to be a race against the time.

on another note, may is always the worst. just like last year, it didn’t start well and deadlines are everywhere, but at the end of the day thankfully i was reminded again of how there are so many things around me to be grateful for and how ashamed i am of how i’ve been such a shitty, whiny, and grumpy kid all along (you just directly witnessed this by reading the first two paragraphs of this post aight). oh how i wish maturity automatically excels as we’re aging.


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