twenty-two

as we’re getting older there are many new memories formed and stored replacing one another. what’s then being remembered now is forgotten, and what’s now being remembered will soon to be forgotten,  and the cycle goes on. oh and the distance between then, now and soon is often varied. it could be a day, a month, a year or else. having realised that, this year i surprisingly don’t really mind when people i’ve known for quite a long time (and previously i expect to remember) in fact don’t really remember and give no notification (or should I say give a fck). it’s okay, it’s okay.

you could suddenly fathom some things you couldn’t before. it just strikes you that there are way more important things to remember rather than a mere date on the calendar. 

well, though i also watched the days of the calendar lurch by, i actually did not really want the date to come real soon cause i also had the most unwanted deadline i’ve ever had on that very date. so it’s all about deadline and not a kind of birthday you really want to have.  it is the day when shit DID happen and i wanted to swear and curse all day. really. if i was asked to make a sentence describing it, it would definitely be “Happy Birthday: A Series of Unfortunate Events.”

aside from deadline, turning twenty-two also makes me more conscious of things starting to get very real and honestly my life is more uncertain than it has ever been. i am expected to graduate soon, catch a job, and have a plan with my life (well, fck your expectation, society), yet i actually haven’t been really sure yet what the next step it ought to be. i remember calling 21 as the age where existential crises are arising but twenty-two is where it’s going up to another level as the distance between you and what you have to face is becoming nearer and nearer. what’s you see as a future before are slowly approaching you and suddenly turning into present.

so.. why worry about the future when the present is more than most of us can handle?

when the day almost over and i tried to accept the fact that it did not go as well as i wished it to be, it dawned on me that i need to let out a breathe and….just breathe.

and hey, it’s true that nearly all the best things in life came unexpected. who expects there would be a little surprise from some friends in the middle of another event on the following day (and of course not to forget the warm and sincere birthday greetings from some people even unexpected ones)?  i was so focused on all the anxiety weighing on my birthday that i forgot to be grateful of kind people around me. what they did may seem as a simple act of kindness and i might not be able to express my gratitude well enough through this writing, but it does mean a lot. it somehow gives me back the self-worth i’ve lost track of. thank you, really.

for all the anxiety i’ve put myself through, i would like to give myself a kind reminder to continue breathing and find the simple joy from the present while as well juggling and struggling in this life. wish me some good luck, please?

turning twenty-two may start sucks, but hopefully along the way it will get better.

“Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year’s gone by and how little we’ve grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, each flicker of the candles on the cake we know it’s not to be. That for the rest of our sad, wretched, pathetic lives, this is who we are to bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably. Happy birthday? No such thing.” – Seinfeld
🙂
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