These few days my mind has been occupied by how we, inevitably, have always had to choose over any matters in our life. That we are always facing the probabilities of what might result from our choices. And how they will lead us to other choices tied with other consequences. Though there must be times when we feel like “cannot choose but do something”, we still indeed have one option not to do that. So, even when we choose not to choose, it’s already an act of choosing, isn’t it?

Humans basically have the freedom to choose, even when it’s only deep down inside their heart. But are we actually free by having the quality of being independent of fate or necessity? There’s this strange feeling I had when I’ve (tentatively) come to realise that humans will never be so-called free as they eagerly wish. Or, we haven’t just been free yet. I don’t know. It seems like although we are able to decide what masterpiece we want to create, what plan should we prepare to accomplish that, which path should we follow, and so on, there might come some circumstances in which we feel aimless and powerless, as if we just want to go back to the beginning and start all over again by taking a different route. Where do those circumstances come from? Are they products of choices we made? I mean, how is it possible that anything can occur without having been caused by something else­?

It’s scary to think that the act of choosing I said before might just be an illusion. That we are not so in control as we think we are. It’s true that we will be confronted by the branches of choices we have to selectively pick out, and it feels like we have the right to choose, but the options available actually depends on what we had chosen before. We are tied to what we already chose in the first place and it’s the one who will determine what the next options we have, no?

Blah, this blabbering has to stop. Please forgive how raw my thought is. I haven’t been able to analyze, evaluate, or process it better. For now, it’s just beyond my grasp (…..)

Last, what I’m actually wondering was well-questioned by Kerouac: what’s in store for me in the direction I don’t take?

2 thoughts on “not-sure-what-title-should-be-put-here

  1. Well describing my tangled mind lately.. though I am often being so pessimistic viewing life as something given with plot; as you said, human will never be so called free, yet I realize how overthinking just making mess my head and blinds me off simple things in life. Guess we’re fighting the same monster.

    Keep sharing thought dear, love your writing! 🙂

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